I used to believe “I’m not an angry person”, especially not with others as harmony seemed everything to me. Until I participated curiously in an anger-workshop, being entitled “the most diplomatic angry person” my trainer has ever seen.
And you know what?
This discernment made me angry! Not angry at her (she was a great, fun trainer) but angry at myself for falling into this trap, this mis-guiding belief.
As I drove back from Berlin years ago and ever since, I’m discovering my anger and I’m trying to use this energy:
~ I learned my anger tends to stay silent. I obviously bottle it up tightly inside me.
It stayed silent for most of my life because due to a family trauma at the age of 6 I assumed “I can’t voice my sadness, anger or anything that felt heavy on top”. Even worse, I believed “I have to act responsibly”, show up for others first, support.
This belief-system and behavior-pattern strongly nourished my people-pleasing and by that need for harmony, unconsciously of course.
~ I also reframed my bigger picture of anger and grief to elevate their energy.
So many of us – maybe especially parents and managers – still believe that anger is something bad, bad, bad. You are not allowed to show it, as otherwise you are not a friendly person, not easy to work with, complicated.
But anger is a positive energy at its very core. It simply shows you and me – your team or family – that something is not okay and needs to change.
This discernment became my anchor-moment for shifting my responses. Hence, after I feel angry or strongly confused today, I take 3 deep breaths and curiously try to detect “What’s at the core of this unpleasant feeling?”.
Most of the time, it’s because I feel treated unfairly. One can imagine that lacking fairness leads me to feel a lack of harmony. Once again, people-pleasing can win over me if I don’t do my mental practice to intercept it.
How angry would you rate your personality on a scale of 1-10 (1=not angry at all, 10=very angry)? What do you believe could be the underlying pattern, hampering your wellbeing and healthy relationships?
If you are among the lower rates (1-4) get especially curious and explore why that is.
I’m here to support you any time (hi@evagruber.org).