Most conflicts build on other unresolved conflicts. — I learned my anger or frustration often built on bottled up resentment towards others.
Until years ago, I ran endlessly for others. I served their needs first, picked up any unmet task — even those that weren’t outspoken. I was a Yes-sayer par excellence, pleasing others.
Doing so, I lost myself along the way. And with that I lost my time — and with time my energy, focus and (especially unfortunate) joy in what I actually wanted to do. At its peak, this helped lead into a burnout.
Only 6 years ago, I learned to face and by that detect the People-Pleaser within me.
I discovered how this unhealthy mindset and habit (I call her “Mrs. Too Nice”) is prompted by others — and which of my beliefs try trick me into thinking “that the People-Pleaser is good for me”:
My belief that “we have to be in harmony, being good with each other at any time” was one of the strongest and most self-sabotaging among them.
I also discovered that only some time after having done something for others, I turned angry or frustrated.
The usual pattern was: I did something for someone. The person/others took it for granted, as this is “what Eva does anyhow.” And as no “Thank you!”, no positive recognition came in return, my anger or frustration started to bottle up inside me.
Back then, my personal issue (as with many founders, managers, teams and families today) was: I haven’t had the positive skills to resolve this unhealthy conflict.
Today, I do.
~ I show empathy and kindness in times of e.g. anger to myself first. This helps me to set boundaries, stop this angry mind-chatter, the tension in my body and other unhealthy responses.
~ I get truly curious and explore “what’s this situation all about”, what’s truly making me angry, unbalanced or sad. I feel ease and joy coming to me as I step into this deeply curious behavior children still have — and us adults seem to have unfortunately lost.
This very last piece about my emotional-discoveries — knowing and facing my resentment — truly helps me shift into positive responses today. And frankly, it’s not coming easy every day to apply that positive mindset and behavior, but I face it day after day!
What harmful emotion or belief would you like to stop with yourself or in your team?
I’m here to support you and your team.
hi@evagruber.org